


movement i; the beginning of the end

by praising_the_foxes



Series: phoenix [1]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Fake Dating, M/M, Other, exchange
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-11
Updated: 2019-08-11
Packaged: 2020-08-19 00:09:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20200483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/praising_the_foxes/pseuds/praising_the_foxes
Summary: Neil questions whether or not what he has with Andrew is enough.





	1. becoming real

**Author's Note:**

  * For [wesawbears](https://archiveofourown.org/users/wesawbears/gifts).
**Notes for the Chapter:**

> unedited; comment if there's mistake, please and thank you!

Sometimes, between exy and learning how to function like a normal human being, Neil dwelled on useless thoughts. Usually, they were honestly useless: should I buy bubblegum even though the last time I chewed gum was six  _ years  _ ago? What does a baby pigeon look like?

So truly, pointless. But Neil quite liked that, having the time to question anything and everything.

But that also meant he questioned  _ anything and everything _ .

So while most of the time he wondered about trivial, menial things, sometimes he thought about amazing,  _ terrifying  _ things.

He thought about what it meant to exist, to crave things. Affection, lust, love.

Head rubs from Matt, hugs from Allison.

And sometimes, more than what the Foxes can offer.

Sometimes, after he stares in the face of the love between Dan and Matt, or Renee and Allison, he longs for things he knows he shouldn't.

He could always ask Andrew,  _ of course  _ he can.

But he sees the way Andrew flinches from a hand on the shoulder, an earnest hug from Nicky. He yearns for the softer side of their relationship, but he knows better than to ask.

But just because he knows better than to ask doesn't mean he's not dumb enough to ask anyway.


	2. three times neil asks for more

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> unedited; comment if there's mistake, please and thank you!

The first time Neil had asked for something that didn't quite match his and Andrew's relationship, he was turned down.

In maybe one of the subtlest ways, yet it burned more that way.

Movie nights with the Foxes were normal, maybe even becoming a staple in his daily life, but this was the first time he was hit with the urge to hold Andrew's hand.

It started with something simple— the press of Andrew's thigh against his, the twitch of the lips when Andrew pulls his caramel popcorn out of reach.

That night was good, one of the few nights that was free of any ghosts from the past.

Maybe it was because of how well things had been going, or maybe it was because of the silly romance movie the Foxes had chosen to watch that night.

Whatever it was, it made Neil drag his hand forward, fingers brushing against Andrew's; an invitation, a request, of sorts.

The thing is, though, when you offer a request there's always a chance of being turned down.

The saving grace, at least, was that instead of recoiling, Andrew simply pulled his hand away to shove another mouthful of popcorn into his mouth.

Shame curled its way into Neil's stomach, and suddenly the night was tainted.

-

The second time was well after the first incident, which is why perhaps Neil even dared to wonder about expanding their relationship again.

Or maybe it was because of the beer.

Either way, the combination of having a pleasant night at Eden's for once paired with the constant buzz in his head pushed him to ask Andrew, simply because he felt like it.

"Dance with me?" he asked, the words leaving a strange feeling behind on his tongue.

_ Go dance with Nicky, _had been Andrew's firm response.

That had been the main motivator for his current predicament— glass of whiskey in one hand and the other rubbing at his eyes to soothe away the stinging.

Fucking. Pathetic.

"Hey Neil, you look rough," Roland said, ever the sociable bartender. "Where's your boy?"

Neil shrugged. "Another glass, Roland."

Huffing, Roland shook his head but started preparing another glass anyway. "There you are."

"Thanks," Neil called back as he walked back towards the table. 

_ He doesn't want to dance, that's fine, _ Neil thought to himself. _ If he doesn't want to, I won't force him to _. Neil plopped down on the seat across from Andrew, sliding the other glass of whiskey towards him. "For you."

Andrew didn't say anything, just staring back at the dance floor, no doubt watching Aaron and Nicky.

"So," Neil said.

Andrew turned towards Neil.

"How'd your math test go?"

"No," Andrew said in lieu of a response.

Neil frowned. "What?"

"No talking, not right now."

Neil felt his mouth pull into an even deeper frown before he sighed, carefully schooling his face into indifference. The glass of whiskey sat untouched.

Maybe tonight just wasn't the night.

-

By the time Kevin deemed it time to end night practice, Neil was dragging his feet. Since they had dropped out right before finals, Kevin had been pushing Neil harder and harder towards the brink of exhaustion ( _ not that Neil blamed him _ ). That meant, though, that every part of Neil's body ached from overexertion.

Still, when Andrew pushed past Kevin and up towards the roof, Neil followed behind, legs almost buckling. 

Andrew didn't hold the door for him, the door nearly hitting Neil in the face. Huffing, Neil pushed open the door harshly, making his arms ache in protest.  _ Asshole _ , Neil thought.

"Asshole," Neil said, for good measure.

Andrew shrugged, sitting down along the edge. Neil collapsed beside him and Andrew started lighting two cigarettes. 

Neil gratefully took the cigarette

Andrew turned towards the sky, staring at seemingly nothing. The moon cast a soft light on his face, softening his features. Breath taken, Neil thought Andrew was the picture of Greek beauty.

The combination of the sudden onslaught of affection and his exhaustion made him ask, "Yes or no?"

"Yes."

Setting the cigarette down on the ledge, Neil leaned forward and nudged his nose against Andrew's cheek before placing a chaste kiss where his nose had been.

Andrew growled. "Stop that."

Neil pulled back and smiled at him fondly. “Can I hold your hand?”

Andrew took in another drag of smoke before blowing it out. “No.”

"Can I kiss you?"

Andrew didn't deign to respond, but he set his cigarette down and turned towards Neil. 

Leaning forward until their foreheads bumped, Andrew asked. "Yes or n—"

"Yes," Neil said, tilting his head up to press their lips together.

The kiss ended too soon as Andrew pulled back and picked his cigarette back up.

"Can I put my head in your lap?"

"No."

Neil huffed. "Why not?"

“What makes you think that’s what I want right now?” Andrew said in between drags, staring at the sky.

If it had been another day, maybe Neil would’ve apologized for stepping over boundaries he wasn’t aware of. Maybe he would’ve dropped it and that would’ve been the end of it.

But it wasn’t another day.

“It’s what  _ I  _ want,” Neil said. “It’s what  _ I fucking want _ . I’m sorry if it’s not what you want, I’ll  _ stop _ then. But what if I want more? You have to give me  _ something _ .”

“I don’t have to  _ give  _ you anything,” Andrew said, still not looking at Neil.

“Why not? Why is it okay for us to kiss but not to do other stuff?”

“ _ Other stuff _ ," Andrew sneered. "Like what?"

"Hold hands or dance or whatever!" Neil replied, throwing his hands up.

"Why would we do that?"

Neil was silent for one moment, then another.

“What  _ are _ we?” Neil finally asked, voice cracking.

“ _ We _ ? This,” Andrew said, looking at Neil and gesturing between the two of them, “is  _ nothing _ . Don’t blame me for your delusions.”

Like cold water to the face, the statement quelled the rest of Neil’s anger, leaving only a heavy feeling in his chest. “Do you really mean that?”

Andrew turned back toward the sky. “I wouldn’t have said it if I didn’t.”

Like a kicked puppy, Neil nodded. “I’m sorry.”

Andrew snorted, and Neil shrunk into himself. “For what?”

“For asking for too much,” Neil had whispered. “For wanting too much.”

Andrew didn’t say anything, just lighting another cigarette for Neil, thinking that that was the end of it.

Andrew was the first to go, leaving Neil sitting on the roof, curled into himself with only the trail of smoke to comfort him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you know tfw you feel like you write a lot but you actually didnt: *insert pikachu face*


	3. burning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things end and Andrew begins grasping at straws

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> unedited; comment if there's mistake, please and thank you!  
pov switch!

Andrew was always raw in a strange way after his sessions with Bee— more contemplative, sensitive. The closest to the typical person's definition of _ emotional _. 

Andrew hated it. 

What he hated more than that was the way Neil easily put the pieces of him back together by simply _ existing _. Trudging through the door, Andrew looked for Neil. Andrew found him sitting down at his desk, head bent down. Andrew snorted, falling face down onto Neil's bed. "What are you doing?"

"What are we?"

Andrew pulled his head up to look at Neil. "What?"

"What are we?" Neil asked again, staring down at his lap.

"Nothing," Andrew said, a wry twist to his voice. _ Everything _, he willed Neil to hear.

"And if I don't want nothing?"

Andrew sat up, confused. He stayed silent, waiting for Neil to explain.

"What if I don't _ want _nothing anymore, Andrew? It's not fair for either of us."

"_ Neil _. What the fuck are you talking about?"

"I want to end us!" Neil shouted, finally turning towards Andrew. 

Neil paused, sucking a breath. Quietly, he said, "Whatever it is we are, whatever _ this _ is, I don't want it anymore. I don't _ want _to want it anymore."

"What's this about? Is it because of something Boyd said? Because if it is I swear to God—"

"No," Neil cut in. "Matt didn't say anything. This is about us, between us."

"Well I don't get it," Andrew said, standing up. "So explain."

"I want more than this; I want more than you can give me," Neil said.

"Wha—"

"Let me finish," Neil said. "Sometimes I want to hold your hand or dance with you and you say no and _ that's okay _ . But I still want to, and that's _ disgusting _ . You deserve someone who won't even _ want _to do things you don't want to."

"Neil, that's fucking stupid."

"But it's true!" Neil countered. 

"I… what am I suppose to say?" Andrew asked. "'Oh yeah sure, I'll totally let you break up with me because I'm having a temporary crisis!' Well, guess what, that's _ not _what I'm going to say."

"Well you don't have to say it because it's happening either way. We… we're incompatible."

Andrew sat down, at a loss for words.

_ This isn't happening, _he thought to himself. In a stroke of pure desperation, he said, "What about the summer camp we signed up for?"

"What?"

"The summer camp; Camp Lee?"

Neil stared at Andrew in incomprehension, and then it dawned on him. “I… _ fuck _. I forgot about that. Nicky and Allison are going to be unbearable and Matt will—”

Andrew knew he was grasping at straws, but he was getting desperate. 

Which is why he cut off Neil’s rambling. And suggested, “Why don’t we wait until after the trip then?”

“What?”

“We won’t tell anyone we’re not… _ together _anymore until after the trip. We’ll pretend like everything’s fine, something you should be amazing at.”

“That’s—”

Andrew cut him off again. “Three weeks. It’s just three weeks of acting like we have been and then it’s over. I’ll leave you alone. That’s all I’m asking for.”

Neil stared at him. 

_ Say yes _ , Andrew thought to himself. _ Just say it _.

"Fine," Neil said, turning away and rubbing a hand down his face. "Three weeks."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'll be posting the next movement on the 14th!

**Author's Note:**

> ahhhhh so this has been crazy to write what with the time crunch and my inability to function like a normal person woops. so basically there are three parts to it and im still figuring out how to format it, so we'll see how it works out


End file.
